


The Planet of the Inevitably Transparent Plot Devices

by John_lzhc



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Comment Fic, Community: eleventy_kink, Gen, Humor, M/M, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-06
Updated: 2011-09-06
Packaged: 2017-10-23 12:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/250145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/John_lzhc/pseuds/John_lzhc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Jack runs into the Doctor and is curious about his new body and what it can do, the Doctor isn't sure he really wants Jack to know.</i></p><p>But then there is corrosive slime rain. Which dissolves clothes. The Doctor goes all flaily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Planet of the Inevitably Transparent Plot Devices

**Author's Note:**

> Dyslexic Disclaimer: There is a good chance the following work contains spelling errors and typos. I'm aware of this, and I'm working on it. Most stuff is proofread, but sometimes errors will slip through. If you could either A: _ignore them_ , or if you really feel the need B: _politely point out spelling mistakes and appropriate corrections (British English please)_.

They ran into Captain Jack Harkness in the markets of some strange backwater little sub-planet. He'd swaggered up to the Ponds in an outdoor bar, lent a hip on the counter, and started with:

“Hay there. Nice to see a familiar species. Captain Jack Harkness, and who might you two be?”

Amy was flattered, Rory was flustered, and Jack was just following up with his flashiest smile when-

“Stop it!”

Jack spun, looking at an annoyed, tweedy, _gorgeous_ academic type shifting from one foot to the other.

“I was only saying hello.”

“I know what you where only, now stop it.” The newcomer snapped.

“Have we met? Because I think I'd remember if we had” Jack started, never one to back down from a challenge, but the woman lent passed him and asked-

“Doctor?” as if to say _'do we need to run now?'_

Jack whipped his head 'round, looking for the Doctor amongst the crowd. But the woman was looking at... oh.

“Rory!” The Doctor almost shouted “On no account should you leave your wife alone with this man.”

“Um... what?” Rory spluttered.

“I've never heared of too much flirting in one place breaking the universe, but for the sake of time and space I'm not willing to risk it.”

Jack smiled. Oh yeah, he got the feeling he was going to enjoy this.

*****

For all he tried to protect it, sometimes the universe hated the Doctor. The first time he runs into Jack Harkness with new body, new face, new companions, it's on a planet which the TARDIS data-banks conveniently forgot to mention featured _corrosive slime rain_. With, he might add, a taste for cotton, wool and polyester.

“You just couldn't make this up!” Jack laughed as he started ditching layers.

“ _You_ could,” the Doctor muttered, trying in vain the pull the Pond's back to the TARDIS before Amy pushed her husband in any more puddles.

“This makes no sense!” Rory complained, diligently dodging his wife. “Rain that dissolves clothes is just-”

“Hilarious?” Amy giggled. “So tell me Doctor, bring the girls hear often?”

“What? No! I-”

“Half our clothes are made from natural materials from organism that evolved in a different galaxy!” Rory persisted. “They shouldn't-”

“Hay, infinite universe.” Jack told his with a grin “It was bound to happen somewhere.”

“It was bound to happen somewhere _you_ are.” The Doctor growled.

“What can I say? It's not like I do it on purpose-”

“Most of the time.”

“Hay Doc, do you still have pockets that're bigger on the inside?”

“What? Yes, yes, but no I don't have an umbrella I there. I think. Well, I do, but I think there's ferrets in there as well, so they've probably nested in it by now so there's no point-”

“You've got one hell of a mouth on you this time.” Jack shot him a lewd wink, “Again. But seriously, what happens to everything in your pockets when your pockets, you know, _dissolve_?”

“Ah, yes, well, I think- they defiantly... ah, I think we'd better...”

Whatever the Doctor thought was lost to the rain as he took off at a dead sprint, dragging Amy by the hand. Jack sighed, and turned to Rory.

“So, wana play doctors and nurses?”

****  
Rory made it back to the TARDIS on the heals of Amy and the Doctor, following a trail of soggy frayed ribbons, but fortunately no ferrets. Or maybe unfortunately. Jack sauntered in a few minutes later, having apparently stopped to let the rain do it's work fully. The Doctor's jacket was nowhere in sight, or perhaps it was lost to the murky puddles forming round his feet as the last shreds of clothes in the control rooms slithered away.

“This is going to be hell to clean.” Rory muttered, hiding behind Amy as she giggled and resolutely _did nothing_ to cover herself.

“It's alright, that's the beauty of this kind of organic fluid disintegration, the waste products evaporate. Didn't you learn about the rain cycle at school?” The Doctor was rambling, concentrating very VERY hard on the console, and very defiantly trying not to hide from the captain. Even Rory began to smirk when Jack sauntered over and the Doctor... scuttled, there was no other word for it, away.

“You know,” Jack said as his eyes drifted scandalously low “you're bigger this time.” and he smirked as the Doctor choked on his own indignation.

“What?!” He managed to squeak.

“Defiantly bigger.” he nodded, as by the rails Amy finally lost it, collapsing into hysterical laughter. Rory wasn't far behind.

“Jack, _you've never seen me naked!_ ”

“That you know of” Jack smirked.

“Listen to me, Captain Harknes, I know you, and I know when you're telling a barefaced- oh, that was a bad way to put it, wasn't it?”

“You never sore the collection Torchwood had on you.”

“You- _WHAT_?” The Doctor squawked. Jack just gave him his best toothy grin. “You don't have nudie pictures of me! Jack tell me you don't have nudie pictures of me!”

Jack sighed.

“I don't have pictures of you naked, Doctor. Unfortunately.” Unseen, Amy nodded sympathetically. Rory glared at them both. Well, he tried.

“Well... good! But that still doesn't explain how you know my...” the Doctor flailed vaguely, indicating everything in the room but his groin “...dimensions.”

“I spoke to Donna. She got a good eyeful of your naked meta-crisis double-

“You know technically she was _also my meta-crisis double_.”

“And what I wouldn't have given for a eyeful of-”

“Jack!” The Doctor snapped, less indignant than plain angry.

“I was only-”

“I know what you where only! Don't!”

“Well, while she had good things to say about him, they weren't as good as _that_.”

The Doctor tried to shout, but choked on his own indignation, flailed wildly, and finally stormed past Jack and out.

 _Tried_ to storm past Jack and out. Two steps in he splashed into the slippy puddle that had recently been this trousers and went flying. Strait into Jack, who went over backwards.

“Ah.” the Doctor muttered, very carefully staying as still as he could.

“Hi there.”

“Well this is awkward, isn't it.”

Jack clearly thought otherwise (not that he _ever_ thought nakedness and inappropriate contact was awkward). He hooked one hand behind the Doctor's head, threading fingers through his sodden hair, and kissed him soundly on the mouth. The Doctor jumped, waving his arms, and opened his mouth to shout at this debauchery, which Jack took swift advantage of, adding as much tong as he could.

A few minutes later, Jack relented, letting the Doctor pull sharply back.

“What is it with human and kissing? Don't you need to breath? Well, I know you can get by without breathing but I can't imagine it being very constructive to- well, yes, anyway.”

“What's that? Got a thing for erotic asphyxiation this time around Doctor?”

“Jack, I am _not_ coming on to you!”

“By falling on my naked?”

“Ah, yes. Naked. Very naked. I suppose we should all go and find some clothes now, and they maybe tea-”

“No, really,” Amy called from over the console, “You two carry on.”

“Amy!” Rory hissed, trying to to pull her away (a futile effort).

“Unless you'd both care to join us?”

Rory sighed. This really was his life. Amy, however, raised a speculative eyebrow.

“The more the merrier?” she suggested.

“I'll even tell you the rules to naked hide and seek.” Jack winked, pleased to have found an accomplice, and the Doctor took advantage of his distraction to finally scrabble up into a crouch.

“Hiding! Hiding would be very good right now! I'll just go and... hide. In some clothes.”

Jack laughed at the Doctor's frantic retreat, and turned to the very naked human couple.

“So, I don't suppose-”

“No!”

“Rory-”

“Amy!”

Amy sighed and let her husband hall her up the staircase and away, leaving Jack alone in the TARDIS.

“Well, old girl, looks like it's just you and me.”


End file.
